My 2012 Olympic Proposal!

The year 2012 is going to be a big year for, well... everybody.  Disney's California Adventure will be debuting CarsLand, New Line Cinema will debut A Nightmare on Elm Street 2, the world is supposed to end and London will host the 2012 Summer Olympic Games!

Since I was about 27 and a half years old, I have loved the Olympics.  I remember waking up in the mornings and thinking to myself, "gah, I love the shit out of the Olympics today.  I gotta pee."  From what I've read, many exciting changes are coming to the Summer Games.  For example, did you know that women's boxing will make its debut at the Olympics in 2012?  Yup, women beating the crap out of each other is finally an Olympic sport.  I bet the entire US Olympic team is going to consist of my former students.

...but in all seriousness, this kind of disappoints me.  We should not glorify what we can already watch people do on Jerry Springer at 3am.  Well, after a lot of thought, I think I have a solution.  I say we petition to replace women's dyke boxing with something a lot more thrilling and exciting...

...midget tossing!

Yes, that's right.  I said midget tossing.  What's midget tossing?  Well, you know those little folks with the big foreheads who wish they were as tall as us?  Imagine them being flung through the air like a lawn dart.  For a little sample of my proposal, please see the video below.

As you can see, people are being entertained and the midget-y guy seems to be having a lot of fun as well.  Training would be easy.  It's cheap.  We could serve beer!  

The only obstacle would be having to find a midget to toss.  I mean, they ARE pretty rare.  In this situation, old, Asian women could be used as an alternative.  It's a win-win situation for everybody! 

So folks, I say we ban together and get this thing going!  

...how about them snapples?!

Costume Conundrum

I don't know about you, but October is my favorite month because the weather starts to cool down (it's 80 degrees out, bust out the jackets!), there's a scary movie on every channel on tv, I celebrate my birthday (Carlospalooza!!) and Halloween costumes!

This year, I've decided to go all out with my Halloween costume (no holds barred-style), but I have so many ideas that I don't know which costume to choose.  I've narrowed it down my four best choices and I want you to pick your favorite one.  Here ya go!

A Nipple-y Gorilla

Guy with a Mullet.  Definition of class.

Borat.  Enough Said.

Muscle-y, Ginger-y Carrot Top

So those are my top 4 choices.  Thoughts?  Yes?  No?  I'm so confused!  Which should I choose?!

An In-Depth Look at Slavery in American History From A Mexican's Perspective

Toby aka Kunta Kinte

Glad it wasn't us.

I'm sorry.  Too soon?

...how about them snapples?!

Ka-POOP! **That's the sound of an exploding toilet**

Toilet humor is my specialty and this one has my name written all over it!

A woman in Washington found herself in an EXPLOSIVE SITUATION today when a toilet in a government building exploded due to "HIGH AIR PRESSURE."

Wow.  I don't even know where to begin with this.  I'm so overwhelmed, I'm POOPED.

According to this story, she's having surgery.  Doesn't say on what though.  Ouch.

Stool.  Droppings.  Crap.  Dingle Berries.  Logs.  Brownies.  Montezuma's Revenge!

Explosive LINK!

Caption this!!

So, I thought maybe we'd try something a little more fun and interactive today.  We're going to play a little game.  It's fun and simple.  All you have to do is be as funny as you can be!  I'm going to post 3 pictures and just comment below on what you think the captions for each pic would be.

Whoever comes up with the best captions for each of the pictures will win a surprise.  Ok... GO!!

A)

Caption this!

B)

Caption this!

C)

Caption this!

Hi. My name is Carlos and I have road rage.

First off, I just have to say that I have really good patience.  I can sit through a bad movie (except Mighty Joe Young), watch a long, drawn-out game of golf and I even lived with my mom for 18 years (I know you're reading this woman!)...

...but I have absolute zero tolerance for stupid drivers!  So, to make myself feel better about things, I've decided to compile a short list of road-related things that piss me off.

5.  If you see your state's license plate listed anywhere on this map, then you're probably a bad driver and I don't like you.

4.  Oh.  My.  GAWD.  THIS!

3.  Is your message THAT important that it can't wait for at least a red light?  Seems like you're okay with dying on the road, but I'm not.  Put it away Rosie O'Donnell!  

2.  Is.  It.  Necessary.  To.  Break.  Every.  Ten.  Feet?  No!  

1.  People who don't know how to use their blinker!  See above... I'm talking about you Asian woman.

So what did we learn today?  GET OUTTA THE WAY!!

...how about them snapples?!

Kids grow up so fast...

When I was a kid, show-and-tell was always a highlight of the year for me.  I always saw it as a contest.  I wanted to show everybody how much more cooler I was than they were and bring in the BEST stuff.  Like in 4th grade, when people were bringing in their favorite toys and dumb family albums, I brought in my parakeet named Jo-Jo.  I was pretty baller (yeah, I said it).  He was the class pet for the day.  He died a week later though.  RIP.  Now that I look back on it, I'm pretty sure Selena died that week too.  Cool?

Well, looks like I was one-upped by a kindergartener in St. Louis.  The little hoodlum brought in a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school!  DA-YUM!

Luckily, a very observant teacher spotted the student with the drugs before they were presented to the class.  Looks like the kid learned a very valuable lesson at school...

...finders keepers, losers weepers!

This Kindergarten teacher is gonna RAGE come Friday night!

...how about them snapples?!

Planking/Plumbking

camel-planking

A few months ago, a new fad imported itself to the U.S. from Australia and became all the rage. - planking.  What's planking you may ask?  Well, according to Wikipedia, "planking involves lying face down with your arms to your side in unusual public places."  See pic above...and below.

car-planking

table-planking

baby-planking

Well, as all fads, it has evolved to become more extreme and dangerous.  People have literally planked their way to death by fall off bridges, houses and even skyscrapers.  Well, some teens have taken planking to whole new level with "plumbking."  

Plumbking has taken the danger out of planking and has made it safe again!  Look!

toilet-planking

Hope they flushed!  

...and here's a pic of me planking!  

Me couch-planking

...how about them snapples?!

One Month Until Carlospalooza!

As of today, there is exactly ONE month until my birthday!  So, to make things easy for you, I've provided 10 gift ideas of things that'll make this birthday the best EVER.

10.  Crocodile Mile!!  There's no better way to celebrate a birthday than with bruises and scrapes from a bad outdoor product from the late 80's/early 90's.

9.  Like this kid, I want pink eye so I can stay home from work.

8.  I'd like a recurring role on Family Guy.

7.  I want some of these pointy-toed boots like these Mexicans.

6.  I want a mustache just like the great Sarah Silverman.

5.  A classy poopy hat just like this one.  It'll match my eyes.

4.  This guy.

3.  A roller coaster...any roller coaster.  By the way, this is Kumba.  It is fun.  It is good.  Hint Hint.

2.  A trapper keeper.  Preferably a cool one NOT made by Lisa Frank.

1.  Super 8 on dvd.  Coincidence that it's being released on dvd on my actual birthday?  Uhm, No!  It was meant to be!

Weekend at Bernie's Remake!

Remaking classic 80's movies seems to be the fad nowadays.  First, there was the Karate Kid (huge disappointment), Footloose is being released soon and the Dippin' Dots guy (theme park reference) says that Weekend at Bernie's is next on Hollywood's hit list.

Well, that is until two men from Denver decided to beat Hollywood and come out with their own remake!

Jeffrey Jarrett was found dead by his d-bag "friends" and instead of calling authorities, they decided to go Weekend-At-Bernie's on him and hang out at a bar, a restaurant and a strip club named Shotgun Willie's.

Classy.

Stupid guys then TOLD the strip club valet (why there's valet service at a strip club named Shotgun Willie's is beyond me) AND a police officer that they've been driving around with a dead guy!

Andrew McCarthy wannabe & Jonathan Silverman wannabe

STUPID!

Everybody knows that when you're driving around with a dead guy, you NEVER use valet!  Duh!

Now if only somebody could re-make Howard the Duck.

Hmmmmmmm....

Weekend at Bernie's 2011

...how about them snapples?!

Nicolas Cage-sicle

So, I'm thinking of changing the Folger's Coffee jingle to...

The best part of waking up, is a naked man eating a fudgesicle in your cup!

...because apparently that's what Nicolas Cage wakes up to.

While promoting his new movie, Trespass (which will probably suck because everything he's in sucks...have you seen Knowing?!), Cage admitted to being a victim of home invasion.  He was woken up to find a naked man eating a fudgesicle standing at the foot of his bed.

If that's what he's into... whatever...

Who am I to judge?  But you know, this really doesn't surprise me at all.  Don't let the macho, flabby/muscle-y guy fool you.  It's a fact that he's a total queen.  I read it somewhere.

By the way, his middle name is Kim.  Coincidence.  Absolutely not!

Nicolas Cage-sicle Story

...how about them snapples?!

Babies Schmabies!

These kids all get what they deserve.

Notice how NONE of these kids are minorities?

Coincidence?

I think not!

...how about them apples?!

Ode to Jane

Jane's stare of death

Jane, Jane, she's good for your heart.

The more you see her, the more you fart.

No seriously.  It gets pretty bad.

Ok, I'm kidding, but in all seriousness, I've decided to do a semi-serious piece tonight and dedicate it to my "sista from another mista," Ms. Jane Wylett Forman (no 'e' in her last name...she's not a Jew).

Jane's life got a little better the day she waltzed into my presence in May 2007.  Little did we both know, that it would be the start of an amazing friendship and a era of total domination of everything AWESOME!

Fast forward four years to today, throw in some laughs, some tears (99% of which were from her), some poop and LOTS of booze and you've got a friendship that's stronger than brotherhood (yeah, Jane's a dude now)...

...and a few funny pics... Enjoy!

Jane and I doing what we do best...wear plastic jewelry.

Jane - Halloween 2009 - Before

Jane After...You get the idea.  Btw, one of my best creations.

Hey Jane, remember that one time you hit on that 7 year old in Pleasure Island?  I agreed not to turn her into the authorities in exchange for a beer.  That was a good beer.

July 4, 2007.  Enough said.

Hey Jane, remember that one time your mom threw the couch over the balcony?  Your mom's the best!  Speaking of your family, I just have to add this.  The first thing her grandmother told me when I met her at EPCOT was, "I'm not a cripple."  So honest, yet wise.  She too is the best!

Ok one more pic and memory.  Hmmmmmm...gotta make them good...

Oh hey, remember that one time I came home from work and you made meatloaf?  I was pretty skeptical at first because that's totally not you, but when you whipped it out of the oven, sure enough...meatloaf!  I inhaled my plate and you told me it was turkeyloaf...turkeyloaf!  Shenanigans.  There's no such thing!  Turkeyloaf is not a dinner entree, it is the think I create after eatint Thanksgiving dinner...(think about it...yeah...now you got it).  B.S.

So I originally had a REALLY good pic up (Remember the Cookie Monster Jane?), but I figured I've done enough damage, so I decided to end on a good note.  Here is a pic of the original 3 that started the whole shebang.  

Me, Jane & Sam

Oh and Jane can't dress herself if her life depended on it.  Seriously.  You've seen the pics!  =)

Here's to another 4 more years!  Only 4 because I think I'll be pretty much tired of you by then.

...how about them snapples?!

I just need to vent...

So there comes a time in everybody's life that one must step back and re-evaluate their life.

Well, I have reached a crossroads in my life and I think I want to get a few things off of my chest...

...HEY GIRL!

...how about them snapples?!

Move Over Edward Cullen...

...because this woman bites too...LITERALLY!

A Florida woman was arrested in St. Petersburg yesterday for devouring (ok, more like nibbling) an old guy's face IN A VACANT HOOTERS.  She claims she's a vampire and doesn't remember the incident.

She was found inside the restaurant naked and covered in blood.

Now...okay.  Seriously...a wanna-be vampire...vacant Hooters?!  Really?

Oh Florida.

You know, I may live in Florida, but I'm so glad I'm from Texas.

Floridians are CRAZY!

Crazy Vampire Lady Story

...how about them snapples?

Yay! Black outs!

Citizens of the great city of San Diego, California were celebrating by dancing in the streets yesterday afternoon.

Children no longer had to go inside when the street lights turned on.  Women no longer had to clutch their purses so tightly that their fingernails would scratch their knock-off Coach leather purses.  Most importantly, adults no longer had to drive with their car doors locked!  Why is that?

San Diego experienced a sudden black out!  Never, in the history of ever, has an entire race of a particular type of people voluntarily leave a geographical region in such a short amount of time.  Wow...this is unprecedented!

Here's the link to the story!

Wait a minute.

**Reads the actual story and NOT just the headline**

Oh...wait.  Hold the presses.  BLACKOUTS...like electricity, not people.  My bad.

Continue on your day.

...how about them snapples?  Yes?  No?  Okay...

I swear I'm not a racist.

Gumby's on the Attack!

So it looks like times are tough for everybody, not just Mexicans.  **Side Note** My mom decided to have a Mexican baby, so I have immunity.

Gumby, the infamous claymation character from my childhood, has gone ghetto and robbed a convenience store in California!

Now, as much as this upsets me (because I literally wanted to be Gumby for like 3 years of my life), I kinda don't blame him for sticking up the joint!  Jobs are scarce in today's job market and he's gotta feed the illegitimate clay kids he had with Goo somehow!

I blame Bush.

...how about them snapples!?

Check out the Video here!

Steven Seagal is a dog-ist (dog racist)!

Link to Story

JESUS IS PISSED AND HE'S TAKING NAMES -- Steven Seagal's name that is...

While filming an episode of his hopefully-cancelled-really-soon reality show for the A&E Network, Steven Seagal allegedly killed Jesus' dog while cracking down on an illegal cockfighting ring.  I don't know what pisses me off more, the fact that Steven Seagal slaughtered an innocent puppy and is denying everything or that not even JESUS can hold a cockfight!

What is this world coming to?!

Gah!

...how about them snapples?